Last Sunday was a magical day…it was Craig and my first year wedding anniversary! I never thought that our first year anniversary would be a momentous milestone – maybe our 50 year anniversary, but not our first. But then again, when we said our vows in the Hunter Valley before our closest friends and family last year, I didn’t think that the terms ‘in sickness and in health’ and ‘til death do us part’ would hold any real significance for us anytime soon. I certainly didn’t anticipate that I would be diagnosed with breast cancer 7 months after our wonderful wedding. It has occurred to me many times that the cancer may have been growing inside me while I was making my vows to Craig.People comment to me often that I seem ‘strong’, coping with this breast cancer thing - maybe I put on a good front because I don’t feel that strong at times. However, I will give much of the credit for any strength that I may have to my husband, Craig. He has absolutely fulfilled those beautiful promises he made to me on our wedding day a year ago.
As with other major illnesses that people suffer, being diagnosed and treated with breast cancer can have profound effects on friends and family. Craig and I made the decision to put my photography business on hold while I recover from my partial mastectomy and am receiving chemotherapy. I have mentioned in previous blog posts, chemo can be pretty debilitating at times. As such, we have found that much of the financial and domestic responsibilities Craig and I usually share have been taken up by Craig, particularly in those ‘sick’ weeks (with four kids, that can add up to a fair bit of extra work). He never complains though.
Craig and I spent our first wedding anniversary on Sydney Harbour; cruising across the water before lunching at ‘Doyles’ on Watson’s Bay. We spent much of the day reflecting on our first year as husband and wife, especially the last five months. Craig has been really positive and supportive throughout this journey. I worry regularly that I am a burden on him, but he always reassures me that when he married he meant it when he vowed ‘in good times and bad’ and that we will get through this challenging time together.
(*WARNING: in this next section I talk about sex so if there’s a chance you might be embarrassed or offended, you may not want to read on. I am bringing this up because I have been asked how chemo has affected my sex life by another woman having chemotherapy – this information may assist other women undergoing cancer treatment.*)
So, with this in mind, I was surprised when Craig shared with me for the first time last week that he misses the physical intimacy that we had before the cancer; being able to hug me and touch me like he used to without me cringing. I know that my left armpit and left breast still ache from my breast and lymph node surgery, but I guess I hadn’t realised the extent to which I was shying away from Craig physically. He was quick to reassure me that he wasn’t necessarily talking about sex, but more that he couldn’t freely embrace me and touch like he used to.
However, side effects from the chemotherapy have also affected our sex life to some degree. There are a few reasons why, here are three: 1) I don’t feel very sexy when I am trying not vomit; 2) I am toxic for the first three days after chemo so I try not to ‘infect’ Craig with my toxic bodily fluids; 3) the chemo drugs dry up my mouth and vagina, with less lubrication there is an increased chance of getting tears or ulcers from sex, which can allow any nasty germs to enter my body and create an infection. Chemotherapy destroys a person’s immune system, so I need to avoid any germs or infections as my body can’t fight them off. That doesn’t mean sex has been off limits for us, but we need to be careful.
You can imagine this is not a great situation when you are in the ‘honeymoon’ period of your first year of marriage. Communication is the key though. Craig and I are pretty open with each other, so we have been able to talk through any issues that come up and we both know this will only be an issue for a while and then, hopefully, things will go back to normal.
When I was in hospital having my breast surgery, the hospital breast care nurse talked to me about the affects surgery and chemotherapy can have on a patient’s sex life and intimacy with her/his partner so I was a bit prepared for what was to come. This whole cancer treatment and sex thing can be awkward and embarrassing, but I found talking about it with my husband really helps us to stay close and supportive of each other.
If you are experiencing problems with sex or intimacy during or after breast cancer treatment, talk with your partner and/or discuss with your breast care nurse, counsellor or doctor.
One more thing...celebrate your anniversaries!!!! Life is short and so often we get too busy to celebrate those little milestones such as birthdays and wedding anniversaries. I will treasure the memory of my first wedding anniversary - it was a magical day.
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